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The Physical Side of Trust – Being Held

By on Aug 17, 2014 in Dominance/submission, Touch in Real Life | 0 comments

There is a curious sense of safety in being held, being surrounded, being restrained. It already is in a hug, the promise and the threat. Why do I use the word threat? Because that is part of it. It is the threat of another stepping in when you yourself do not trust yourself in doing it yourself. Sometimes the world spins too fast, duties and requirements, praise and successes, the constant possible failures all covalence into a miasma of soundless buzz and all you can do is run, take care of the next thing, fulfil the next duty. That is life and it is not a bad thing necessarily. It’s where that crazy drive to succeed comes from, what teaches you to believe into being able to do anything. But the problem is, you can never stop it. And you can never show anyone that you are not absolutely in charge, in control because if they ever think you are not absolutely certain of yourself then...

Temper, Time and Temperature

By on Jul 22, 2014 in Dominance/submission, Erotica and Feminism, Feminism and Theory, Feminist Perceptions, social criticism, Touch in Real Life, Women in History, Writing Erotica | 0 comments

Alright, this is a completely unrelated post to any of the usual categories – it is a life post. I have started a new job, which is fun, but the five hours commute each day are giving me strange insight in the human nature (don’t worry, I only commute for another week, then I will stop the senseless philosophising). So, my life is in shambles. I get up at 4.30 and tend to return at around 9 – five hours of which I am spending in transit in one way or another. In a heat wave. Some things can be said here: • I have a new appreciation for deodorant and think it should be handed out at the door of ever train • Temperature is supposed to make people angry – if that is the case then commuters are the most placid people on the planet. • England is incredibly beautiful in summer. • And I need more sleep. Keeping that in mind I will now go off and sleep – and promise an...

The Physical Side of Trust III – a world full of touch

By on Jul 14, 2014 in Dominance/submission, Touch in Real Life | 0 comments

Physical trust, instincts and touch — the promised continuation of the posts on how trust can be, and in my case has to be, reinforced when life is a little too much for me. My original point was that sometimes our instincts have nothing to do with rational thought or the knowledge that we trust the person we love, they withdraw, hide from the word because the world is too overwhelming. I then argued that the most common ways of classifying what works on me can be summarised in four groups: lack of sigh, touch, requests/favours and lack of movement. This is particularly important when we play with elements of what is often classifies under BDSM (and if you ask nicely I might even tell you why I am always so shy using that classification when applied to me). Two weeks ago I talked about lack of sight, closing with the argument that this form of trust building is most effective when...

Women, Sexual Skill and Fiction

By on Jul 6, 2014 in Erotica and Feminism, Writing Erotica | 1 comment

Yes, here should be a trust issue post, a topic which will be picked up later again, but today I want to talk about the uncomfortable relationship we seem to have with the concept of sexually skilled women in fiction. It seems a heroine, at least a sympathetic one, has to be a virgin but still a goddess in bed. Just look at Fifty Shades of Grey. The point seems to be that whilst we are still happy to have the male have acquired his skill in bed through practice, the only probable way you get that way, we are not able to extend that realistic assessment to women. A woman still has to be pure. But it is not quite that easy — there are two further aspects: 1) the male, though being a tomcat before, is reformed by the love of the pure woman 2) the pure woman nevertheless needs to be the best lay he has ever had. Really? I know, it’s fiction but it is noticeable that fantasy has pretty much...

The Physical Side of Trust II – Lack of Sight

By on Jun 30, 2014 in Dominance/submission, Touch in Real Life, Writing Erotica | 0 comments

Alright – as promised – the last instance of the physical trust post. I have argued that trust is not a split moment decision, that instinctive trust has to be renewed constantly even among long-term partners. Well, realistically, I have merely pointed out that this is the case for me. I have pointed to some overarching principles which, when used on me, allow me to actually let go rather than withdraw into myself when having sex. And I have admitted to being very uncomfortable about spelling those out. It does not look as if today will be more comfortable. So, I have argued that for me there are four main groupings: 1) lack of sight 2) touch 3) control of movement 4) requests I have talked about the reasons why these affect the mental state – now I will give distinct examples. Lack of sight: As I have said it works because it forces the blind person to concentrate on...

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